ED Recovery + Advocacy for ALL Bodies in the Arts
My Journey
Learn a little bit about my journey and the work I am still doing in recovery.
Existing in the Arts
Listen to some major break throughs I had in recovery that have helped me continue along my journey as an artist and human.
Goals & Resources
This is a great place to start living holistically in your body through some questions and material to help us along our journeys!
My Journey.
It all began in the third grade when I was nicknamed “gorilla” for how dark my arm, eyebrow, and leg hairs were. From that day on, I became obsessed with my body in all ways: body hair, thinness, muscles, curves, makeup, etc. You name it, I tried it. I was always convinced I had it under control. What became eating three meals a day went down to two, then one, and eventually, I stopped eating….
By the middle of my first college semester in 2020, I was taken out of school to the hospital and diagnosed with anorexia. I went straight to an inpatient ED facility called Carolina House. I was there for 3 months, where I left to continue down the levels of recovery (PHP, IOP, and OP) through another organization online due to COVID. In my time at Carolina House, I became aware of the very serious medical condition I was in. I was told I may have developed refeeding syndrome (Refeeding syndrome can happen when someone who has been malnourished begins feeding again. If food is introduced too quickly, it can cause serious complications.) The thought of my body not being able to repair itself, live in relationships with others, or simply get the hell out of the center I was in, drove me to take my first bites.
Three years later, and I am still learning and growing in recovery so much. Each day is filled with its new challenges but my body has overcome so much. ED’s are not simply caused by fear of/obsession with food. Rules around food and how we let if affect us, stems from a society that inherently places people’s worth, belonging, and identity to what one has to offer outwardly through a single, ever-changing definition of “beauty.”
My dear warriors, you will realize this is just as much of a mental battle as it is a physical journey of healing a suffering body from a mind that grew up with seemingly impossible expectations of our bodies. Join in me bravely sharing our stories and advocating for this beautiful skin suit we were given to exist in!!
Recovery in the Arts:
Questions for YOU to ponder, provided with resources to help guide you along your journey.
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All it takes is the courage to simply try. Before you can integrate new behaviors and ways of thinking in your life, you need to gain the knowledge to help tackle those barriers. Here are some way to help acquire the knowledge needed to recognize your own internal biases and struggles.
Books:
Podcasts:
Body Image with Bri
UnF*ck Your Brain
Body Grievers Podcast
How to Love your Body
*PSA: While these materials are a great way to start, if you or anyone you know needs immediate medical help please call 1-866-662-1235 (Eating Disorder Hope Hotline). These materials are a way to start and do not take the place of any medical team, therapist, or dietitian. Seek the appropriate level of care you need!
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It is important to acknowledge that your body changes multiple times throughout the day. When feeling uncomfortable in your body, the focus is placed primarily on the outward appearance. However, it is important to realize that having a “bad body image day” is not about how your body actually looks but how you feel emotionally in your body.
When attempting to care for yourself on the days it feels hard, here are some great ways to regulate your nervous system and some ideas to prepare you mentally for the next time you are feeling uncomfortable in your skin.
Regulate your sense of smells ex: lighting candles, cooking, essential oils, lotion, etc.
Place your body in clothes that feel comfortable and are not tight on your body (you should allow yourself to be as physically comfortable as possible, especially on days like these)
It is important to limit your time on social media and the internet when you are feeling this way. Turn to reading, coloring, napping, listening to music or podcasts, talking with a friend, or playing with a pet etc. Get way from the curated images that can further enhance those emotions.
Make a collage of body positive affirmations, reminders, etc. to place all over your mirror or any surface that you tend to body check most often. Remember: The image that stares back at you doesn’t define you at all!
If you are spiritual, I encourage you to tap into prayer, reading of scripture, music etc. to further remind you of where your true beauty and value lies.
Write down all the emotions you are feeling about your body on a piece of paper. Fill as many pages as you need to. Then, rip each piece of paper up to shreds and get rid of it. Remember: thoughts are not facts!
**These are simply just a few suggestions. I have resorted to these throughout my journey and have found some relief and comfort in caring for myself through these ways. However, everyone has their own journey and ways of soothing and comforting themselves. I encourage you to discuss with a therapist or your support team who knows you personally for more ways to help calm the emotions and feed truth to your heart.
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When it comes to moving forward in this journey, it is important to realize that food is not the issue. There are many deeply ingrained thoughts, feelings, and rules around what is put in your body from when you were little up until now.
In the arts, there is a big focus on one’s body and appearance. When it comes to getting cast, dancing in a show, or simply creating content to connect; in this society, people are trained to look and judge immediately on what they see—not knowing people’s actual health and/or history.
In order to survive as a basic human, you need to nourish your body regardless of what society tells you. How you nourish and why you nourish your body are areas that you will discover more about throughout your journey. I have learned different meanings that food has to me in my journey and the joy it brings me.
-connection with others
-a way to be creative and experiment
-a form of comfort
-a way to regulate my emotions
-a source of energy
-a privilege
-a way to gain knowledge of the varieties of cuisines
-a moment away from work
I want you to ponder the ways that food can add joy to your life. The restrictions, limits, diets, rules, etc. simply negate and prevent you from experiencing so many positive opportunities that simply start around a table or in the kitchen. Humans thrive off of connection and food is one of the best ways to connect with others, yourself, nature, ethnicities, art, etc.
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In a society that communicates mainly via images (Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, TikTok, YouTube, etc.) it can be hard to not be constantly thinking about your body and how you look. However, I offer this thought: what good has come from worrying about your hair, stomach, thighs, outfit, makeup etc.? What moments have you not been able to be fully present due to the obsession with how you look in that moment? What opportunities have you passed up because you were afraid to be seen that day?
All of these questions I know I have an answer for myself. In my attempts to slowly break that rigid obsession mentally, I started doing some of these things to really force my mind outside of my body.
-Wrote down or tallied every time I thought about my body
-When trying clothes on in stores, I turn my back to the mirror and simply try to judge these clothes based off of how they feel on my body and the colors etc.
-Covered my full lengths mirrors and eventually got rid of them
-Got rid of any scale in the house
-Asked for blind weight check at the doctors
-Cross off any calories or nutrient information on the boxes of food I am eating
-Create outfits with clothes that feel comfortable and also express who I am
-Deleted my social media for a while
-Took photos simply to capture moments (not worrying or attempting to make it aesthetic to share later on)
These, once again, are a few ways that I have worked towards catching myself falling into comparison and obsessive thinking about my body. My hope is in sharing that they will either a) be helpful tools for you or b) cause you to think of your own ways that you can start to break your mind free of this vicious cycle.
Go out and enjoy life in your body as it is. Smaller or larger doesn’t equal better. Each body is different, each mind is different and different is good. Embrace your uniqueness. There is not another person that will ever get to look like you—so treasure your time in your body.